Who is the real Gunnersaurus Rex?

31 08 2009


Arsene Wenger woke up grumpy from his nap, realized he embarrassed himself, the fans, and his team on Saturday, and decided to take a shot at deflecting the attention to that by criticizing United’s tactics.

While Wenger was going over the post-game report while sitting on Gunnersaurus Rex’s lap, they both agreed that it wasn’t their fault they lost, it was United’s fault.  But how?  “They pushed hard.”  Wenger used the same reasoning that 8-year old girls use to quit playing football.  Mommy, she pushed me!

Being a sophisticated football manager, Wenger needed a smart catch phrase and called these tactics “anti-football”, but the rest of the football world likes to call it good defense.  I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

Next time Wenger should sit back, fire up a Gauloises, nibble on his croissant, and sip his espresso while reading the match stats.  If he did that he would have read that out of the seven players who committed the most fouls, five were from Arsenal, and that Arsenal had 6 yellows compared to United’s 3.

How you say, I am, uh, so sor-ree.  I, uh, believe that I, uh, am, uh, ca-raiz-ie.


Aston Villa… fresh and full of life!

30 08 2009

Aston Villa beats Fulham 2-0

Man it feels sooooo good to win… again. It’s fun winning and being a winner. I like it. Scratch that, I love it! I like bathing in it, I like soaking in it, I like festering, dancing, laying flesh-on-flesh, playing and reading it bedtime stories. BUT there is a downside to winning; you are unable to empathize with losers like Arsenal. Louie and all you Arsenal fans out there, I really wish I had the ability to empathize with you. But you see, to empathize I would have to know the feeling of emptiness and hopelessness you are going through. And I do not. I can sympathize. I can pity you. I can laugh at you behind your backs. And I do. But know that even in our sweet, low calorie, 0 trans fat victory today, there is a black ring of remorse that I can not “connect” with you on a real, human level that we call empathy.

Manchester United offer transfer request for Diaby.

29 08 2009


Abou Diaby hammered home the deciding goal with the accuracy and instinct of a natural born striker. Wrong net, my friend, and I thank you.

In a match that offered its viewers the pleasure of a fast pace and high intensity match up, at the same time it denied us the pleasure of witnesses beautiful football.  This match was a far cry from beautiful, with both teams content to hammer each other more intent on disrupting the others game rather than trying to establish their own.

In a matches that take this turn from the start, it is usually a stroke of luck that can change the fortunes for one and decide the winner.  United got such luck today, and it was the decider.

I must admit, I was impressed with the overall play of Arsenal.  I honestly expected United to come out, punch Arsenal square in the gullet, and cruise to victory with van Persie leading the retreat, purse in hand.  I was wrong.  Arsenal punched back, not as hard, but they were up for the fight.

In the end, it is a much needed three points with a tough row of games ahead.

If Aston Villa could sing they’d be… Destiny’s Child

24 08 2009


Yes, Aston Villa dominated at Anfield today. Yes, my Mayan friends and I were right.  Yes, destiny determined the better team and the better team was clearly the Villains. And yes, Liverwurst is the most over-rated team in the Premier league. But no, I’m not going to gloat. That would be tacky and in poor taste. That is why I’m asking my friend “Frank” to take over the typing right now so he can do the gloating for me. Bluaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Liverpool sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, Franks’s gone. I’m back. Let’s be honest here, Aston Villa could have only played Brad Friedel and a moderately trained Mandrill monkey and still come out on top. Friedel was an impenetrable wall, stopping everything the red and white threw at him. Friedel reminded me of my wife’s chastity belt when we were dating; iron-clad, stubborn, and no matter how many hands, feet, and squirrely tricks thrown its way… it remained a bastion of defense. So well done, Villains! Well done, Friedel. And as the legendary singer Freddy Mercury used to say, “The more you fight, the more this is gonna hurt. Best you just sit back and enjoy it.” So Premier league… we can do this two ways. I’ll give you a week to decide. Atta boy, Villains! You truly are Destiny’s Child!

Don’t swim in my toilet and I won’t piss in your Liverpool!

23 08 2009

William Heise Camping 6-09 064

ASTON VILLA 3, LIVERSPOTS 0*(or so sayeth the prediction gods)

Prognostication time! Anybody can comment on a game after it has already taken place. Child’s play… What I’m choosing to do here today is predict the outcome of a game not yet played. How can I do this you ask? First off I’d say, “Shut the hell up and quit being a nosey bitch.” But secondly, and more importantly, I’d say I am sure of it because of a simple sign. A sign from the gods, if you will. I was out hiking in the hills of tranquility yesterday when I stumbled upon a branch struck by the finger of god via lightning bolt. This lightning strike etched into the very wood a sign of greatness, a sign of the future…

Just as the Mayans predicted the world’s end in 2012, a lesser known Mayan prediction stated that in the year of our Lord, 2009, Villains would rule the earth. So you see, it is not by my talent, as great as it is, that I predict a victory for Aston Villa over Liver-spots. I am merely a mortal man reading an immortal sign of the times. When Aston Villa stands the victor on Monday, holding Liver-spots freshly-shorn scrotum sacks triumphantly in the air… you can say, “It’s not their fault they lost, it was destined by the gods.” Amen and God bless Aston Villa!!

More Open Accounts. Manchester United 5 Wigan 0.

23 08 2009


This was a must win, a statement game, a needed result, it was all of these cliches, and I knew they were right.  I wasn’t sure which United team I would see, and after the 0-0 halftime scoreline, I was afraid that I would see the 1-0 86th minute United. The one that will cause me to have a premature heart attack.

As the title tells you, a whole new United showed up.  A 5-0 demolition was exactly what all United faithful needed.  The high scoreline wasn’t necessarily what we needed, what we needed was the opening of two vital accounts, in Bebatov and Owen, and proof that United are still a threat from the free kick.

Bebatov’s cool, calm, and quiet skill in the 58th, Owen’s professional tally in the 85th, and Nani’s super free kick in the 90th helped answer a lot of the questions that I had.  A good result heading into the run in with Arsenal next week.

City? or United?

22 08 2009

Those were  my choices to watch as I woke up this morning. Sadly I chose the city game partly because my dad being a city fan but  mostly I wanted to see them play.  As I was watching City vs. the wolves with my dad I was pointing out all the new players they got,  like there’s so and so he from arsenal, he from man-u, he is from villa, he is from Newcastle and so on. It felt like Johnny Cash was standing behind us singing ” I took one peice at a time”. It’s a song about a guy who worked at a chevy plant and would steal a peice of a car every day and as years went by he had enough parts to make his own chevy but when put the parts together it looked like a beast of a car. Thats how felt watching city play, alot of different parts not really working together as one. Miss passing or no passing at all and even the  set peices were not scary. What will happen when real pressure hits this team? This is one car you can’t take out on the highway because it just going to fall apart.