Man U Suck

9 08 2009

Chelsea wins shootout to beat Man U in the Community Shield. Ahhhhhh, the start of a new season. A time for renewed hope, white-knuckled excitement and Great Expectations… Unless you’re Man U. Prediction time, folks. Man U’s goin’ down. Even Charles Dickens, in all his glory, couldn’t conjure a tale believable enough to elicit any faith in Man U’s noob keeper, Ben Foster. Foster was pulled out of his booster chair and given a chance to start for the Red Devils after Edwin van der Sar underwent surgery to repair a broken finger (*allegedly suffered while scratching the colon of Aston Villa’s John Carew after losing a bet). Poor Foster looked like the frightened “little orphan Pip” begging for bread crumbs of mercy as Chelsea stepped into the box for the shootout. It wasn’t pretty. Chelsea chewed them up, then refused to spit them out only to re-chew them like convalescent cud. The only saving grace for Foster was the incessant blubbering and wailing of Patrice Evra taking the focus off of their pathetic team play. Evra flopped so much I wanted to put a wallet in his mouth so he wouldn’t swallow his tongue. I wanted to pull my gentlemen’s glove off, one finger at a time, and smack him across his tear-stained cheek. The kid’s from France, ’nuff said.
Man U, I wish you the best. I hope you have an educational season. But if ever you find yourself wishing for a vacation to the sandy beaches of Southern Euthenasia, give Aston Villa a call. They put Newcastle out of their misery in a very humane, respectable fashion. They’re givers. That’s what they do. And for that I see a very bright future in their… uh, future.




One response

9 08 2009

Foster does NOT instill confidence for sure.

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