19 09 2009

Stevie Wonder is blind. He is unable to see. Yet, he has the audacity to sing about the glory of the “Red, White and Blue.” Uh, hello? He can’t see… anything. How does he know what a color is? He could be singing about the glory of “Red, Toaster, and Cumulus Nimbus” and have no clearer idea of what he’s singing about… “Stevie Wonder” is how I feel about the state of Premier league football living in Stanton, California; blind and slightly overweight.

We watch football for the people, the characters, for the blood & sweat competition, NOT for numerical digits beside our team’s name indicating who is winning… Try watching a synopsis of an Aston Villa game on a tiny iphone screen, knowing that you’re missing their exhibition of majestic talent once again. Hey Stevie Wonder, why don’t you sing about those breathtaking views of golden sunsets one more time you jackass!

Do I have a solution to this problem? No. Buy Fios, buy ESPN 57, move to the land of lonely dentists, I’ve heard it all before. .. I want my football spoon-fed to me at my leisure!! I AM AN AMERICAN!!! Doesn’t that count for anything anymore? If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit! Don’t ask how, I want it now!

This tantrum is because I miss you Aston Villa. I miss your face. I miss your musk. I miss the way your nose crinkles ever so gently when you head-butt a Chelsea chimp in the face. AV, I’m going to say something and if you don’t like it you can send it right on back… I want to be on you.




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