I Had the Chelseas Last Night! — “I think it’s the Pate”

9 11 2009



PRE-SMACK: Chelsea vs Aston Villa

16 10 2009

First of many installments of pre-smack. A chelsea fan did the sound to this one trying to stop a brotha from speaking. He failed. He is fired. Better sound in the future…

If Aston Villa could sing they’d be… Destiny’s Child

24 08 2009


Yes, Aston Villa dominated at Anfield today. Yes, my Mayan friends and I were right.  Yes, destiny determined the better team and the better team was clearly the Villains. And yes, Liverwurst is the most over-rated team in the Premier league. But no, I’m not going to gloat. That would be tacky and in poor taste. That is why I’m asking my friend “Frank” to take over the typing right now so he can do the gloating for me. Bluaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Liverpool sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, Franks’s gone. I’m back. Let’s be honest here, Aston Villa could have only played Brad Friedel and a moderately trained Mandrill monkey and still come out on top. Friedel was an impenetrable wall, stopping everything the red and white threw at him. Friedel reminded me of my wife’s chastity belt when we were dating; iron-clad, stubborn, and no matter how many hands, feet, and squirrely tricks thrown its way… it remained a bastion of defense. So well done, Villains! Well done, Friedel. And as the legendary singer Freddy Mercury used to say, “The more you fight, the more this is gonna hurt. Best you just sit back and enjoy it.” So Premier league… we can do this two ways. I’ll give you a week to decide. Atta boy, Villains! You truly are Destiny’s Child!

Don’t swim in my toilet and I won’t piss in your Liverpool!

23 08 2009

William Heise Camping 6-09 064

ASTON VILLA 3, LIVERSPOTS 0*(or so sayeth the prediction gods)

Prognostication time! Anybody can comment on a game after it has already taken place. Child’s play… What I’m choosing to do here today is predict the outcome of a game not yet played. How can I do this you ask? First off I’d say, “Shut the hell up and quit being a nosey bitch.” But secondly, and more importantly, I’d say I am sure of it because of a simple sign. A sign from the gods, if you will. I was out hiking in the hills of tranquility yesterday when I stumbled upon a branch struck by the finger of god via lightning bolt. This lightning strike etched into the very wood a sign of greatness, a sign of the future…

Just as the Mayans predicted the world’s end in 2012, a lesser known Mayan prediction stated that in the year of our Lord, 2009, Villains would rule the earth. So you see, it is not by my talent, as great as it is, that I predict a victory for Aston Villa over Liver-spots. I am merely a mortal man reading an immortal sign of the times. When Aston Villa stands the victor on Monday, holding Liver-spots freshly-shorn scrotum sacks triumphantly in the air… you can say, “It’s not their fault they lost, it was destined by the gods.” Amen and God bless Aston Villa!!

City? or United?

22 08 2009

Those were  my choices to watch as I woke up this morning. Sadly I chose the city game partly because my dad being a city fan but  mostly I wanted to see them play.  As I was watching City vs. the wolves with my dad I was pointing out all the new players they got,  like there’s so and so he from arsenal, he from man-u, he is from villa, he is from Newcastle and so on. It felt like Johnny Cash was standing behind us singing ” I took one peice at a time”. It’s a song about a guy who worked at a chevy plant and would steal a peice of a car every day and as years went by he had enough parts to make his own chevy but when put the parts together it looked like a beast of a car. Thats how felt watching city play, alot of different parts not really working together as one. Miss passing or no passing at all and even the  set peices were not scary. What will happen when real pressure hits this team? This is one car you can’t take out on the highway because it just going to fall apart.

Man U Suck

9 08 2009

Chelsea wins shootout to beat Man U in the Community Shield. Ahhhhhh, the start of a new season. A time for renewed hope, white-knuckled excitement and Great Expectations… Unless you’re Man U. Prediction time, folks. Man U’s goin’ down. Even Charles Dickens, in all his glory, couldn’t conjure a tale believable enough to elicit any faith in Man U’s noob keeper, Ben Foster. Foster was pulled out of his booster chair and given a chance to start for the Red Devils after Edwin van der Sar underwent surgery to repair a broken finger (*allegedly suffered while scratching the colon of Aston Villa’s John Carew after losing a bet). Poor Foster looked like the frightened “little orphan Pip” begging for bread crumbs of mercy as Chelsea stepped into the box for the shootout. It wasn’t pretty. Chelsea chewed them up, then refused to spit them out only to re-chew them like convalescent cud. The only saving grace for Foster was the incessant blubbering and wailing of Patrice Evra taking the focus off of their pathetic team play. Evra flopped so much I wanted to put a wallet in his mouth so he wouldn’t swallow his tongue. I wanted to pull my gentlemen’s glove off, one finger at a time, and smack him across his tear-stained cheek. The kid’s from France, ’nuff said.
Man U, I wish you the best. I hope you have an educational season. But if ever you find yourself wishing for a vacation to the sandy beaches of Southern Euthenasia, give Aston Villa a call. They put Newcastle out of their misery in a very humane, respectable fashion. They’re givers. That’s what they do. And for that I see a very bright future in their… uh, future.